Fatherhood

Good Morning,

I’ll start with a few thank yous. Thank you to Miss Jennette and Miss Lillie for the care you gave my Dad over the last several months. Without a doubt, you extended the time he had with us and allowed him to pass peacefully in his home. Thank you Aunt Tricia for providing for his care and really loving him. I hope my girls love their brothers as much as you loved Daddy. Thank you Uncle Lamar for the support you provided and for helping him to have what he needed to be comfortable at home. And thank you Kris for being on call to help with Daddy. And to my mom, well if you want to know a living Saint there she is. And thank, you Kip, Blessed are the meek…Blessed are the merciful… Blessed are the pure of heart for they will see God. No father could ask for more love from their son than what you gave to Daddy. You and those I mentioned were the hands and feet and love of Jesus to Daddy.

And thank you all for coming to celebrate the life of Daddy today and giving me the opportunity to tell you about who he was to me. Just keep in mind I only knew him for about half of his life, and in a particular way, the youngest of his 3 sons. Now, you may hear a little more about me than you would like but much of what I know about Daddy is because I know myself for I am my father's son. So in the next hour or two, I hope to honor Daddy and in doing so tell you about my Father. And the best stories about my Father are not about perfect people but about imperfect people made perfect in Him.

When I was a child Daddy was my hero. I remember my elementary school classmates having the proverbial discussions of “my dad can beat up your dad!” To which I would put an end to the discussions with “My daddy’s a giant he’s 6’ 3”, 250 lbs (sometimes he even made it up to 6' 8"). As a child, I believed Daddy could do anything. I remember him fixing things all the time around the house. He was fearless and brave. I remember one trip we went on with my grandparents and the van ran out of gas on a long stretch of deserted highway in the middle of the night. Daddy told us he’d be back and stepped out of the van and disappeared into the darkness to go find help. After some time, enough time that Grandma was getting a little anxious, we heard a tap on the window. Daddy had returned to save the day. He told us a little about his adventure. Having to climb over barbed wire and trekking through the woods a couple of miles to find help. At the time, I had no doubt he left out the parts about fighting off the lions and tigers. Maybe even a pack of wolves. Yes, as a kid, Daddy was quite the hero.

And as with any great hero, Daddy had a passion for loving people. I remember when I brought Heather over to meet him for the first time. She stuck her hand out to shake his. He looked at her, smiled, and said, “oh, we don’t shake hands here, we hug.” Then he reached out and hugged her, which she kind of returned. I said, “don’t feel too bad Daddy she didn’t want to hug me at first.” This passion for people would lead him to take us to visit friends and family. I remember going to visit a lady over on Rocky Brock road. I didn’t know why at the time but it turns out we were just visiting. Just showing a widowed friend she was remembered and loved.

I remember several visits to the Garner's house to see his best friend Benny and the family. I remember Kris and I would pretend to be Daddy and Benny, we would sit on the couch and pretend to have a conversation. Following each profound statement with a confirming spit of a little pretend Redman. And the day tragedy hit the Garner family and Daddy lost his best friend, he had us there showing us how to love and support our friends in their time of need. So I didn’t really understand why he was so surprised when at the age of 13, I rode my bike from Opelika to Beauregard to visit the family of my friend who had died. At the end of the “talking to” after I got home, Daddy said next time just ask and I'll take you. Interestingly, the friend and my Dad are in a picture together in the slide show.

Our childhood trips with my Daddy are some of the most impressionable events in my life. Several of those trips included taking us to, what I now call my happy place, which was my pawpaw’s lake cabin that my Dad and my Uncles built. A place that I can close my eyes and go to when life gets a little heavy. A true cabin, no phone, no tv. I had a single bed in my grandparents' room. Kip and Kris had a room with twin beds to share and Daddy had a room. We all had our place there. We spent several weekends there each summer and My dad would take my brothers and me there for a week in summer. Just us and him. I can see my Dad cleaning catfish over on the smoothen half tree log as my brothers and I head down to the lake to swim and jump off the dock.

You may know my middle brother and I as Kris and Kurt, but there we were Sonny and Crockett, Hannibal and Face, Leonardo and Donatello. Together we would solve the crimes, chase the crooks (inevitably over rails and into the water), and put the criminals at bay. We were quite happy to have a case interrupted when Daddy would come down for a quick dip and a splash war would ensue. We would assuredly surrender after being covered in the great tsunami his wide wing span could produce in a single sweep across the water. At the end of the day, we would return up to the cabin for a dinner of fresh fried catfish. After that, once the table was cleared and our food a little settled, we sat down at the table for a game of scrabble and some Little Debbies.

I never thought about it as a kid but looking back now, scrabble is such a fitting game for Daddy. As a kid, I never thought of my dad as an intellectual. I didn’t know that about him. I never saw him reading a book. In fact, when I thought about it, there was a lot I didn’t know about Daddy. But I didn’t know I didn’t know until my wife started asking me about him. She wanted to know what he had done for living throughout his life, what kind of education he had. How did he and my mom meet? You know, general things women or an FBI investigator want to know. But I didn’t have the answers. It turns out it's hard to really get to know someone when you're only together every other weekend and maybe one week in the summer for only 17 years of my life.

But for me, I knew what I knew of him and I thought that was okay. Until I started trying to find myself, find my place in this world, trying to find my identity. If you’ve ever been through those moments, especially, for a man, you realize you need to know your Father so you can know yourself because after all, you are your Father's son. And somehow, in a way, I had lost mine.

Over the years, through various inquiries Heather had on the occasional visit with Daddy and through different conversations with momma, I learned that Daddy had been to college and earned a degree. I learned he loved to read. You know reading is something I’ve come to love later in my life. I learned that he was a real Jack of all trades. You know I’ve become somewhat of a Jack of all trades. I learned that he was highly intelligent. You know I’m… I’m… Oh, my goodness, I am my Father's son!

I can’t remember the first time I had that epiphany. But I remember thinking I know what happened to Daddy. And I wondered if it was going to happen to me. I believe Daddy struggled to find his place in this world. He struggled to find where he fit. What was he to do with his intellect, with all his skills and love of learning things? Carpentry couldn’t satisfy him, the restaurant industry couldn’t satisfy him, management couldn’t satisfy him. I believe Daddy did all these different things searching for himself, much like many men do. I believe he thought if he could find himself, find where he fit in, he then could be a good dad, maybe even a good husband, much like many men believe. Yet these worldly pursuits left his heart restless, as it does for many men. What Daddy, and many others, failed to uncover is that, as St Augustine so eloquently puts it, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee.” How do I know this was the Father's struggle? Well as I said, I am my father’s son. It was my struggle and sometimes still is. But thankfully I heed the words of St Augustine.

You see, in my search to find my Father, I came across my Mother. I knew her when I found her because she was reflected in all that momma was to me. She took me in, loved me, nurtured me, and guided me in this journey. To be clear, I am talking about finding my spiritual Mother. I found the Church and all her 2000 years of knowledge and wisdom. Everything she showed me, be it through the Mass or the scriptures or the writings of Early Church Fathers like St Augustine, it all pointed me to her Son. She said to me, “here is your Father.” I said, “oh, I know Jesus. He’s my Lord and Savior. She said, “yes, and here is your Father.” I said. “no, I’m looking for Ed Walker. I want to know what happened to him.” She said, “he is not your Father,...he is a reflection of your Father.” She asked, “how do you know he’s your father?” “Well, he gave me life and he loves me,” I replied. She said see here is your Father, Jesus Christ! He gives you true life and the love you received from your daddy is love that can only come from your Father. And I looked at my Father and he said to me, “you are my Son. I am yours and you are mine. You are my beloved.” I began to see Christ as my loving Father and not just an arbitrary ruler over my life.

I began to understand who I am in Christ. I am a father and I am my Father’s Son. I began to understand it doesn’t matter what I do in life to make money or what worldly success I have. None of that will ever satisfy me. What will satisfy me is being a father to my children and to do that well means to be a reflection of my true and their true Father, Jesus Christ. I don’t have to be a perfect father, I just need to reflect our perfect Father and He will help fill in the gaps.

Daddy wasn’t a perfect father, something else we share, and that is ok. I didn’t need him to be perfect, I just needed him to reflect our perfect Father. And as I think back about Daddy, the memories I remember most are of him doing just that. He reflected the love, the compassion, the forgiveness, and sometimes the almighty hand of God, our Father.

I don’t think Daddy ever got comfortable here, I hope that is something else we will share, for this is not my home. But perhaps he got a glimpse of where he belonged as Pop Walker.

I thank God for grandchildren. I think they are God’s gift to the most stubborn men. The men who give up on finding themselves or who lose sight of who they are. They are the gifts that put joy back into their hearts, that remind them of unconditional love. They are the face of God. So I thank God that He blessed Daddy with 9 grandchildren. When they were around, I saw the smile I remember he had when I was a child. When they were around, I remembered that kindness he was showing to them and the love he had for me. When they were around, I could see my Father reflected in Him. He loved being a grandfather and I think in those moments he may have even begun to find himself.

And I have no doubt our Father is now filling in gaps and showing Daddy right where he belongs.

I’ll leave you with one last memory of Daddy, the one that means the most to me. Whenever we were done visiting or talking on the phone, as we said goodbye, He would always say, “I love you.” I don’t think there are any greater words that a Father can say to their child or one friend can say to another. It is an echo of our Father's words to us. So until we meet again I love you daddy and I love you all and I thank you for celebrating Daddy's life with us today.

I AM is your Father

“Call no man father upon the Earth: for one is your Father, which is in heaven(Matt 23:9).” This is a verse people tend to turn to when criticizing the Church for calling priests Father. You ever hear this argument? Then when you ask them, “so you don’t call your dad, ‘father’?”, they respond, “no, I call him dad or daddy!” Really? Ok, so Christ is not really saying do not use that title for any man. If he were, then who are we called to honor? Honor thy mother and thy father. Remember that commandment?

So what is Christ talking about? Well, in short he is saying don’t give the honor that belongs to God to the Pharisees that are seeking it for vainglory. And recognize that your true Father is God in heaven!

Fathers, do you believe that? Do you know your Father is God? This is what we must first come to know for ourselves and then it is what we must show to our children.

I believe we are all searching for ‘Our Father who art in heaven.’ The problem is we don’t always recognize that. We think we are searching for a good job, a good woman, a good drink, a good drug, a good car, a compliment, an award, a fancy title, respect, a complement, validation, whatever it is that keeps us unsatisfied in our pursuit; when really we are searching for our Father. It is in Him that we will find our satisfaction, our fulfillment, our meaning, Love, and ultimately Goodness, Beauty, and Truth.

Fathers, when you look at your kids and say “Luke, I’m your father…”(and you know you do), do you keep this verse in mind? Do you keep in mind that you’re not their Father but you are an image of their true Father. If you don’t understand that your role is to guide your child to their true Father in heaven then the title of father is wasted on you as it was on the Pharisees.

How do we father our children so that they will know their Father in heaven? When you love your child, love them as our Father loves them. When you’re passing on your attributes to your children, be it throwing a perfect curveball or catching the biggest fish or playing the kazoo, don’t forget to pass on the attributes of our Father, those of virtue, wisdom, and Truth.

Like the priests who are called father because they are acting in His authority for the Church, you too are called father because you are given authority over your children. Step up to that role and show your children to their true Father. Fr. Wade Menezes defines a perfect marriage as two imperfect people helping each other get to heaven. Adapting this, I would say a perfect father is an imperfect dad helping his children to know their Father. Don’t let your children grow up wondering who their Father is, show them who they truly belong to.

We would love to hear from you!

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7/13/22

What would you do to protect your child?

Most parents will answer, “Anything!” Some would even say they would lie, cheat, steal, or murder to protect their child. Most would say they would die for their child. The extremes that parents claim they would go to protect their child are remarkable. However, I wonder, if you are one of those who say you would do anything to protect your child, would you really do anything? Hopefully, you will never be put in a situation to do anything illegal for your child. But, we are often put in situations where we will have to go to extremes to protect them. Are you willing to go to those extremes?

Would you be willing to take away your child's smartphone to protect them? Would you be willing to limit their access to movies and tv shows? Would you be willing to stop promoting boyfriend/girlfriend relationships? I could go on but to sum up, the big question is would you be willing to live counter culturally to protect your child? Are we willing to go to that extreme to protect your child?

I would be surprised if any parent said smartphones (or any device that they can access the internet and social media) are not harmful to children. Study after study has shown this to be true. Yet, your child still has a smartphone. Why? Do you think your child is immune to the effects that come with having a smartphone? I hear it all the time from parents, “My child is not doing those bad things…” Then, whose child is? Ok, for the sake of argument, if your child is not sending or searching for harmful stuff, harmful stuff is searching for and will find them no matter the filters or monitoring software you put on the phone. Giving your child a smartphone is not doing “anything” to protect them. It is in fact putting them in harm’s way.

Why do they have a smartphone? Most parents will say it's for safety and for the parent-child communication. I would say that can be accomplished with a cell phone or a smartphone that has no internet access. At most, they just need a phone to call and text. Because, while you are keeping them safe in one aspect, if they have a fully capable smartphone, they are exposed to many more dangers.

But if they don’t have a fully capable smartphone, they won't be able to access facebook, snapchat, instagram, tik tok, or social media. And then they will be out the loop with their friends. And you will have to listen to them tell you how no other parent is as strict as you are. Now we are getting to the real reasons parents give their child a smartphone even though they know the harmful effects of them (or maybe they are ignorant of the harmful effects). Parents do not want their child to be the “uncool” child or they do not want to hear their child tell them they are a bad parent for not providing them with a smartphone like every other parent.

Again, it comes down to this: what are you willing to do to protect your child? Are you willing to live counter culturally to protect them. I mentioned two other things above: exposure to inappropriate tv and movies and boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. These things, among others, expose your child to harm in the same vein as smartphones do. And the reason why parents allow their child to be exposed to them is either because they are ignorant of the harm that can be done through these things or they do not want to deal with the repercussions of keeping their child away from these things, i.e. living counter culturally.

It is time to reevaluate our answer to the question of what would I do to protect my child? Would I really do anything? Am I doing “anything” to protect them or am I doing things to harm them? We, as christians, are called to be in the world and not of the world. Are you and your child in this world and not of this world? I would question your answer of yes, if you and/or your child is/are on every social media platform, you’ve seen all the latest hit movies and tv shows, you know the words to all the latest hit songs, you’re up on all the latest entertainment gossip, etc.; yet, you and/or your child have little to no experience serving the poor, feeding the hungry, or caring for the widow.

I know this father who taught his children to live counter culturally. He taught his children to not always follow the crowd. He taught them to put heavenly (love, kindness, servanthood, etc.) things above worldly (money, social status, possessions, etc.) things. And because of this he is ridiculed by the people around him and so are his children. But, He remains a father that would do anything to protect his children. At one point, doing “anything” meant giving up everything to protect his children. And He was hung on a cross and gave his life to protect his children. This is the extreme that Our Father went to to protect us, His children.

What are you willing to do to protect your child?

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The Solemnity of St. Joseph

Today, March 19th, is the Solemnity of St. Joseph. No, we do not worship St. Joseph on this day or any other day but we do give him special recognition and honor. We do pray (not worship) to him to help us be better men, husbands, and fathers just like you might ask other men to pray for you to be these things. How does he help us do that? For one, St. Joseph prays for us when we ask. Second, we can look to his example as a man, husband, and father to show us how we should live out these roles. Don’t worry looking to Joseph does not take away from Jesus but points us closer to Him. After all, the most important people in Joseph's life were Jesus and Mary. And Mary was important to him because she is the Mother of Jesus. See, it is still all about our relationship with Jesus.

Be honest, have you ever thought to yourself, especially in time of trials, “Jesus doesn’t know what it's like to be me, he’s never been... [married or he’s never been 40 or never had kids or whatever it is your current situation brings to mind]?” This is where His gift of the Saints can help. The Saints are people that have endured the same situations, trials, tribulations, etc. that we are going through and in doing so kept their eyes on Jesus. They are now here with us, our “great cloud of witnesses”, to help us endure our situations, trials, tribulations, etc. By reflecting on their lives, we reflect on the grace, mercy, and love of Jesus.

This is part of the beauty of the 2000 year old universal church, our Catholic Church. There is always someone who we can turn to for help in our time of need. So it is with St. Joseph that men, husbands, and fathers can turn to him to help fulfill these roles and guide us through the challenges we face in these roles.

On this day as I reflect on St. Joseph, I am reminded of a couple of things: One, very little is known about the life of St. Joseph. However, what is known has affected the whole world for generations because he chose to be obedient to God. Second, in his obedience, Joseph gave his life to be a servant to Mary and Jesus. This is how he led his family, he served them. Do we look to be served by our wife and children or do we look to serve them as their father?

A few ways that Joseph served the Holy family and we can serve our family are:

1. Pray for them. Joseph was a man of prayer. This is why the angel was able to talk to him and he listened. I would argue that he spent much time praying for Mary and for the child she carried in her womb in his consideration (Mat 1:20) of what to do about Mary when he found out she was pregnant. And he continued to pray for them throughout his life. So pray for your wife and children as Joseph prayed for his, unceasingly.

2. Meet their immediate needs. Provide for them safe shelter, give them their daily bread, both physically and spiritually, and love them through kind words and affection. Whether it was in Nazareth, in Bethlehem, Egypt, etc. Joseph did whatever it took to meet the needs of Jesus and Mary. Are you doing the same for your family?

3. Show them who they are in Jesus. Joseph helped Mary fulfill her role as the Mother of Jesus. His consent to stay married to her was a confirmation to Mary that he saw her as the Mother of Jesus and would help her be Jesus’s mother. His protection and love for her throughout his life continued to affirm to Mary who she was in Jesus. Joseph helped Jesus see who He was. He made sure Jesus was brought up in the Jewish faith. He took him to Temple, taught Him about the coming Messiah, and Joseph celebrated the Jewish feast days, especially the Passover. He helped Jesus to see who he was created to be. Help your wife and children see who they are in Jesus.

On this day and in the days to come, let's turn to St. Joseph, the foster father of Jesus, for help in becoming better men, husbands, and fathers as we seek to grow closer to Christ.

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Are you Superman?

My children think I’m Superman. And I do everything I can to keep them believing I just might be! Why? I believe every child needs a Superman. They need someone that they can always count on. They need someone to protect them from evil. They need someone to believe in. They need a Superman! And who better to be that Superman than their father.

At first, when I began to realize that my children thought I was Superman, I thought I better sit them down and straighten them out because they are going to be very disappointed when they find out the truth! I'm no Superman. What special powers do I have? Besides, don’t we all find out our Superman is not really a superman and furthermore that there are no real superheroes. I knew that this was the reality that my kids would come to know about me.

I began to ponder how to tell them I wasn’t Superman. During this time, I continued to be their ordinary dad, As their ordinary dad, I loved them, helped them, and played with them. I went about my daily routines of going to work, exercising, and fixing things around the house. I kept putting off telling them the truth and things got worse. (If you click over from FB)I could see in their eyes and hear in their voices that their belief in me being Superman was growing! They would stare up at me with their precious little eyes with a look that said, “You can do anything, daddy!” They would bring me their broken toys, flat tires, skinned knees, splinters in their hands, hurt feelings, tough days, and say without a doubt, “I know you can fix this daddy, you fix anything!”

What made it worse was their mom would feed them lines like, “You don't’ have to be afraid of the dark. Your daddy won’t let anything or anybody get you. He’s here to protect us!” To which the children responded, “Is that right, daddy? You will protect us from ANY monsters?” And how did I respond, “Well, children it's kind of complicated…” No! I responded, “Yes! I’ll protect you from monsters!” And there in that moment, I did it! While I was trying to figure out how to tell them I’m not Superman, I gave to them what they believed to be hard evidence from my own mouth that I just might be.

What was I to do now? Well, I started to think about what it would take for me to be Superman. I thought about Superman’s characteristics? He protects those that he loves. He uses superpowers to do this. He gets his strength from the Sun. But then there is also kryptonite: the stuff that makes Superman weak and can even kill him if he is exposed to it long term. Now that was something I could relate to: having a weakness.

So my wheels start turning! I think, “wait a minute. If I have a weakness, or some weaknesses in my case, then that means I have strengths, too! I know what you're thinking, “Everybody has strengths and everybody has weaknesses. That doesn’t make you Superman.” But what if that strength is super strength and that weakness is one that could lead to my death? I think then I might just qualify as a Superman!

Well, some of my weaknesses can lead to my death. What are these weaknesses? The general term I use for them is sin. Just like kryptonite can lead to Superman’s death, sin can lead to my spiritual death. And just like Superman overcomes the effects of Kryptonite by getting away from the kryptonite and getting back into the Sun, so too do I overcome sin by fleeing from it and getting back into the Son! And when I’m in the Son, I am strengthened and filled with SUPERnatural powers. I have the power to speak life to those I love, to bless them, and protect them not only physically but spiritually with my prayers. I began to see that through Christ I could be that Superman my kids needed! And I decided I would be my children’s Superman.

Now, everyday when I wake up I put on my cape before I slip on my other clothes. I do my best to be there when my kids need me whether it be to fix something, play with them, or scare away the monsters. Sure, sometimes I run into kryptonite but try my best to stay in the Son to be healed and strengthened because I want to be there with my superpowers when my kids need their Superman. When Lex Lucifer shows I up, I want to be ready! “Not today Lex! Not today or any day!”

My kids need a Superman, and I am their Superman. Your kids need a Superman. Are you going to be their Superman? Christ has given you supernatural powers to be the Superman they need. So put on your cape, step into the Son, and be the Superman you kids need!

We would love to hear from you!

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New Year Resolution, how’s that going for you?

What was your New Year's resolution? Are you still keeping it? I had a few vague resolutions that I set. I resolved to be a better man, husband, and father. Another, more specific one (but still with vague aspects) was to start a men's ministry. I’ll tackle the latter first.

I launched Manville Ministries on Jan 1st and I am still here working on this resolution. So, I have at least one resolution still going for me. Now, the other resolutions(or it could be considered one resolution depending on your perspective) are a different story. I am working on these resolutions, but at what success?

I said you could look at these as one resolution or three separate resolutions depend on your perspective. For example, if you are a man but not a father or husband, these may be separate resolutions or they may be one resolution, if you are all three and recognize that to be better at one is to be better at all three. I will tackle these separately and you can read the ones that pertain to you. (Man City, Husbandry, Fatherhood)

Resolving to Become a Better Father

This part of my life gives me the most concern. My concern is that I’m not going to get this fatherhood thing right. That i’m going to somehow or somewhere along the line fail in this role just enough to cause catastrophic consequences in my children’s life! I know of men, whom I presume to be good christian fathers, who have children that have strayed away from their faith and now live waywardly. Some of these children have even ended up committing suicide. In thinking about these children and pondering about what happened to them and questioning what went wrong, I find myself guilty of sometimes blaming the parents. My thoughts go to, “I wonder what the mother or, especially, the father could have done differently. Where did the father fail to meet the needs of his child?”

I recently discovered Toby Mac’s song “21 years” which is a tribute to his son who died of an overdose. Upon learning that the song was about his son, I was drawn once more into the thoughts and questions I mentioned above. These thoughts and questions led me to this question: Could the child of a perfect father (and mother) go astray? To answer that question, I thought about who has been a perfect father? I didn’t know of anyone. I thought on this a little more: where and when has there been a perfect father? Now, you have been a little quicker than me to answer this; but I finally came up with the one example I could think of, God, our Father!

God was the perfect Father to his children Adam and Eve. He placed them in paradise and met all their needs. Yet, they still went astray! Why? Well, it wasn’t because the Father didn’t get the whole Fatherhood thing right. It simply came down to the fact that Adam and Eve had free will and they chose to go astray. I think there are a few fathers (and mothers) that may need to realize that right now. If you're holding on to some personal guilt about where your child is now, maybe they even committed sucide, and you are blaming yourself, it's time to let that go! God is not blaming you. If anything He is sympathizing with you. He lost His son and daughter, too! Stop blaming yourself and let your Father, who understands, help you heal.

Now, with that being said; although, it is not always the father’s fault when children go astray, the role of a father in a child's life is crucial for the healthy development of his child. Children with a strong father figure are less likely to go astray; and if they do go astray, are more likely to return to their faith and moral upbringing than to children that do not have a father figure.

I think it is important to understand that becoming a better father begins with becoming a better man and a better husband. Goal number one for me as a father is to let my children see me living out my vocation of being a husband (which is inherent to being a man) to my wife. So, those things that I am doing to be a better husband are essential for being a better father. In addition to those things, there are some fatherhood specific habits that I am working on to resolve being a better father. A few of those things are:

1. Spell love T-I-M-E! You cannot overestimate the value of spending time with your child. In the case of children, the time doesn’t even have to be quality time. Yes, sure we want it to be quality time; but even if you are just present in the same room, that has an impact on your child. Sometimes this can be difficult with so many other things that need to be done. But I have really tried to think in terms of eternity with this one. What is going to impact my childs’ eternity and my eternity more: finishing a project around the house or showing the Father’s love to my child. When you think in those terms, it’s a no brainer. Of course, if you can involve a child in a project then you can kill two birds with one stone.

2. Be intentional. I talk about this in an earlier post, Where’s my Father. I try to think about the skills, the knowledge, the morals, the ethics, the faith, etc. that I want to pass on to my children and I do things with them to pass those things along. I play sports with them, I help them practice music, I read to them, I have discussions about hot topics with them (age appropriate), I pray with them, I spend one on one time with them (though, I could do more of this). I do whatever I can to connect with them and guide them to be what I want them to be. And I want them to be whatever God created them to be!

3. Be a reflection of God the Father. This might be a no brainer for you; but it is something I have to consciously think about. I am their creator (with a lot of help from their mother, of course) and they are made in my image. Because of that they are going to look to me to find their purpose and meaning in life. And I need to be a father who can help them find the answer to those questions. The main way I will do that is to point them to their TRUE Father. But there are also other qualities of God that I need to reflect. Like His unconditional love, His mercy, and forgiveness. If I want my children to know that God is not an arbitrary ruler over their lives then I don’t need to be an arbitrary ruler over their lives. I need to be their loving father who wants the best for them as God is their loving Father who wants the best for them.

Fatherhood can seem daunting at times. But we need to remember, we have the best example of a Father to guide us as we live out this vocation. When in doubt, seek God out!

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Where is my father?

I love to fish, especially for largemouth bass. One day, I was fishing at our church’s pond and I hooked a fish good. I reeled him in and low and behold he halfway swallowed the hook. So, I struggled with the hook and finally got it out. Then I lowered the fish back down into the water. And the fish just sat there. Eventually, it started to turn up on its side. I knew then this fish was a goner. Well, I didn’t want it to die in vain, so I picked it up to carry it home and eat it.

I grew up going to my grandfather's lake cabin often with my dad and grandparents. While us kids would swim, my grandfather would catch fish. Then near supper time my dad and grandfather would gut and clean the fish. I can’t tell you how many catfish and brim that I had seen cleaned and prepared to eat. Why, I could have practically cleaned them myself. So I thought...

My fishing education was further enhanced by my stepfather who was an avid fisherman. I grew up in admiration of his 15 bass (all over 10 lbs) that adorned our den wall. My stepfather did not care to eat wild game, be it deer or bass, but nonetheless, I had seen him filet a few fish. It looked easy enough.

So I was full of confidence that I could accomplish the task at hand. When I arrived home, I laid the fish on my front porch and retrieved a knife from our kitchen. I guess I should mention for context purposes that I was about 24 years old at the time and about a year into my marriage. I could also mention that I was a former boy scout and my college degrees are all science related. To say the least, my knowledge of the anatomy of a fish is firmly developed. I also had a job in college in which I cut apart horses and cows for disposal. There was really nothing that I could think of that would make me doubt my ability to clean a small bass.

With a knife in hand, I lowered the knife to the fish. I started to slice the fish in the side. Then suddenly I stopped. I moved the knife to the belly of the fish to gut it open. Then I stopped. And at that moment, reality started to hit me. I realized I had no idea what I was doing. As I proceeded, the scene that unfolded was about as ugly as the hack job that I did on that poor fish. I couldn’t get the knife to cut through the fish. And with every failed stroke of the knife, I descended into a hole of self doubt and self pity.

Why wouldn’t the stupid knife work right? Why does every simple thing I try fail? Why am I a failure? I was so mad. Why couldn’t I clean this stupid fish? I’ll tell you why! It was because my father, who I watched clean a million fish, never stopped to take the time to teach me how to do it. That and God was against me. I finally just gave up and threw the thing away. (see Man City for an alternate ending)

I finally just gave up and threw the thing away. But the question still remained: where was my father when I needed him? This has led me to ponder, what did I need from him? I think at that moment and in many instances, I needed him to be deliberate with me. I needed him to deliberately pass the knowledge that he had down to me. This is what I needed from him. Possibly, it is what you needed from your father. I believe it is what all children need from their fathers.

In education, there is the teaching phrase, I do, we do, you do. I suggest this as a strategy for passing your knowledge on to your children and growing your relationship with them.

I do: let your children see you not only in tasks like cleaning a fish, changing a tire, or hammering a nail, but also in affirming their mother, helping others, tithing, praying, handling anger, etc. We do: Be deliberate with them and do those things together. Stop at coachable moments and guide them toward success. You do: give them opportunities to do those things on their own. When they succeed, affirm them. When they fail, affirm them. Be deliberate with them.

My father and stepfather did not deliberately not pass certain knowledge on to me, but they did not deliberately pass it on, either. Be deliberate with your child, and when trials come their way, they will not wander down a hole of self doubt and self pity. They will rise to the occasion. They will look back on the experiences, the abilities, and the confidence you gave them and persevere through it. They might even call you for advice.

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Update: Over the summer (2020) I took my kids fishing for catfish with their Nana and Don (my in-laws). We took the fish back to Nana and Don's for Don to clean. You better believe I was right there with him. I watched him clean a few. Then he handed me the knife and I gutted and cleaned a few myself. And I will be sure to pass this knowledge on to the next generation.

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