Husbandry

“Check Engine Light is on.” “Check Engine Light is on.” “Check Engine Light…”

What do you do when the check engine light comes on? Most of us don’t pull over, immediately. We keep driving a few days before we get the car checked out. Then how we address the problem all depends on the diagnosis. The important point we had the car checked out when the light came on because we didn't want the car to break down on us.

What do you do when the check engine light comes on in your marriage? Do you stop to get the problem diagnosed or do you just keep going hoping the problem will not cause a break down? I mean it is not like the oil light is on! This is just a small thing that can wait, right? But if you wait too long to fix the small problem it eventually turns into a big problem.

“Check engine” signs in our marriage may manifest themselves in different ways due to one's personality. The signs may come from both spouses or they may come from one spouse. These signs may be something like being short worded with your spouse or with others due to the issue with your spouse. You may be easily irritated (or more so than normal) by your spouse or others due to the issues with your spouse. There may be more serious signs like being resentful toward your spouse or avoiding your spouse. If you don’t know what the signs are that is a sign in and of itself. Maybe, I can address that later.

Hopefully, you are checking up with your spouse regularly when there are no “lights” on, but we know we all can get complacent when things are good and not do those regular check ups. This can sometimes lead us to avoid checking up on our marriage when the “lights” do come on because we don’t want to rock the boat so to speak. But, again, avoiding a check up can allow a small problem to become a big one.

So, the “light” is on. You know it. Your spouse knows. Now what? Someone has to make the call to have a check up. Someone needs to acknowledge that the “light” is on. That someone needs to be you, man - husband, Head of the Household, Leader in thy Home! I’m not saying wives can’t make the call but the responsibility mainly lies with the husband as the spiritual leader of the house. Addressing problems is a part of leadership in anything.

What should come out of the “check up” conversation? First, know that you are having the conversation because you love each other. You are not your spouse's enemy and she is not yours. Then try to get to the cause of the symptoms and not just identify the symptoms. To recognize that you made your spouse mad and apologize for it is good but it is not going to help permanently fix the issue which is “why” did you make your spouse mad. To get to that may take asking the question why a couple of times. Husband asks, “why did I make you mad?” Wife answers, “because you didn’t give the kids a bath.” Don’t stop there. Husbands ask, “why did that make you mad?” If you ask why enough times you’ll finally get to an answer from your spouse like, “because I feel like you don’t appreciate me.” Now, there is a root cause.

Once you find the root cause, what’s next? Address the problem. For our example above, saying to your spouse, “I’m sorry. I do appreciate you. I take the garbage out everyday so you don’t have to. Just think about that next time you feel like I don’t appreciate you. Love, babe,” will not fix the problem. No, you have to work with what your spouse told you. Yes, you apologize but then you follow that up with giving the kids a bath! Later, after you have spent some time showing your spouse that you listened to her, appreciate her, and love her through this selfless act, then you can come back and say to your wife, “you know I really thought I was showing my appreciation by taking out the trash.”

So my wife and I had an “check engine light” come on. And since I have posted for the world to know that I have resolved to be a better man, better husband, better father, blah blah blah and I said I will try to be real blah blah blah (It sounds great until I have to walk what I talk) here you go. We had a check up. In this case, we both had issues with each other. For my wife, it came down to 3 main issues. Here, I want to focus on one of the issues that she had with me and how I am choosing to deal with it. I will share one issue with you and for the others you can fill in blanks with your own issues.

I could have handled this a lot differently than I did. I could have countered every issue that she had with me with a defense or I could have swung back at her with all the issues I had with her. And often that’s what happens in a lot of relationships. But I did not do that. What I did and what I am doing is:

1st: I made note (in my phone) of the 3 issues.

This serves as my reminder to me of the 3 things I am trying to work on. I also use it to ask myself each day, “did I do something to resolve the issues or reinforce them.”

2nd: I resolved to work on the issues.

I took time to think about what she said and what changes I could do to address the specific things she mentioned. One of the issues was that she did not want me to complain, as much. I think this is a common thing men do. It comes from our nature of wanting to fix things. However, we have to be careful how much we focus on what we think is broken instead of what is working.

With the complaining issue I have resolved, at least until Easter, to make a point not to complain. I am making a conscientious effort not to make a complaining statement. This takes reminding myself that not complaining is something I am working on each day hince step one. And then holding my tongue at times. What am I doing with the issues that I want to complain about? Well, I am making a list and when Easter gets here it is all going to get set straight! No, this is not the thing to do. Really, what I am finding is that a lot of the things I find to complain about are trivial or tied to other real issues. For the things that I think need to be addressed, I am reflecting on them to make sure I know why it is an issue. Again, I am looking for the root cause, so that my wife and I can address it at a later check up.

3rd: I am praying about it.

I am praying that God will help me work on these issues with my wife and give me a servant heart towards her. I am also praying with my wife about these issues that God will guide us in wisdom about how to address the issues. By His grace we will grow closer to each other and to Him.

I challenge you men who are taking this journey with me to be better husbands to have a check up with your wife. And if you find there are some check engine lights on, try addressing them using the three steps I mentioned above. Make a note of the issues (I would limit it to 3), resolve a way to work on the issues, and then pray about it, especially with your spouse.

We would love to hear from you!

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New Year Resolution, how’s that going for you?

What was your New Year's resolution? Are you still keeping it? I had a few vague resolutions that I set. I resolved to be a better man, husband, and father. Another, more specific one (but still with vague aspects) was to start a men's ministry. I’ll tackle the latter first.

I launched Manville Ministries on Jan 1st and I am still here working on this resolution. So, I have at least one resolution still going for me. Now, the other resolutions(or it could be considered one resolution depending on your perspective) are a different story. I am working on these resolutions, but at what success?

I said you could look at these as one resolution or three separate resolutions depend on your perspective. For example, if you are a man but not a father or husband, these may be separate resolutions or they may be one resolution, if you are all three and recognize that to be better at one is to be better at all three. I will tackle these separately and you can read the ones that pertain to you. (Man City, Husbandry, Fatherhood)

Resolving to Become a Better Husband

I resolved to be a better husband. How is this working out for me? Great, as long as my wife does do anything wrong. And most days she doesn’t. I think most people would say it is pretty easy to be a good husband when everything is going right. But, man, when something goes wrong it’s out with the good and in with the bad and the ugly.

Why is that? Why do I, and maybe you, get so mad when things go wrong in our marriage? I don’t know all the reasons but I do know it not just because my wife did this or that or she didn’t do this or that particular thing. It is usually because of how I interpret what she is saying about me when she did or didn’t do a particular thing. I don’t know what might set you off. It may be big or it may be small, but one of my things is when my wife moves my stuff.

Why is that? Is it because she took my thing and put it somewhere else? No, it’s because she took my thing on the day she knew I would need it and deliberately hid it from me because she has a sick sense of humor and likes to see me roaming around the house trying to find my stuff!

No, that’s not it, although those foolish thoughts come to mind when I am in a panic trying to find my stuff. Well, what is it? It is because at that moment I feel like my wife does not respect my time or stuff. If she did she would know I am busy and I do not have a lot of time to look for my things. So at that moment, I have made it a question of does my wife respect me? What I am doing is casting the blame on her for the way I react to her. Now, I have identified the problem: it’s my wife and if I can just fix her, I can solve the problem. So how do I fix the problem? I bring out the “bad” and the “ugly.”

(I will digress for a second here: If your bad and ugly is to the point that it is abusive. That needs to stop, now! And you need to get some help before you move on. I pray that you will take this moment to reach out for help and I pray for you in this battle. If you don’t know how or who to call. Contact us here at Manville Ministries and we will work to connect you with someone who can help.)

How effective are the bad and ugly tactics at fixing my wife? I don’t know of one time that they have worked. Well, there are a couple of reasons why that is. The first reason is she is not the problem. The second is bad and ugly tactics do not address problems they address the symptoms while leaving the problems there to fester.

For now, I will just address the first reason. I have come to realize my wife is not always the problem, sometimes I am the problem that needs to be fixed. I will look at this situation from the perspective that my own actions have led to my own anger and frustrations. What were my actions?

I put my stuff in a place where my wife felt they needed to be moved.

Why is that?

Because I did not put them in their proper place and put them in a spot that my wife had just cleaned off.

Gasp! Do you think I might have offended her in doing that? And maybe I said to her by my actions that I don’t appreciate her hard work of trying to keep a clean house! So maybe next time if I put my stuff in the proper place, not only will I not have to go searching everywhere for my stuff, I will have also have to my wife through this action, “I appreciate the work you do around the house.” She might even hear that as an “I love you!” And you know where that leads....we can talk about that later.

The point I’m trying to make here is that as we start working toward being a better husband we need to start with ourselves. We need to think about what are the things that we need to change about ourselves to be a better husband. I mentioned in another post the following habits I am trying to form in my efforts to be a better husband.

1. Pray with your wife and pray for your wife. If you have children, pray with them and let them hear you praying for your wife.

2. Feed your spouse’s spirit. Be glad to see her when you get home from work. Let the first thing you say to her be something positive. Then build on that. Say two positive things to her before making a negative comment. Then 3 things...etc.

3. Think of one personal thing that you would like to change about yourself when it comes to your marriage. It could be helping your wife do a task, speaking to her more kindly, or setting time aside (even a few minutes) each day to talk just to your wife. (Or putting your stuff where it goes.) No kids. No interruptions. Whatever, it is. Just try to do that one thing.

If you are not sure where to begin, give these habits a try for a few weeks. And wives, if you are reading this, then just do the same for your husband. Let us know how it affects your relationship with your spouse.

We would love to hear from you!

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Two Become One

I will try to be real and honest in my writings here as I have tried to do in the other sections. Not being those things can hinder growth as a man, a father, and a husband. It seems to be easier done in regards to being a man and a father. Why do we shy away from those things in being a husband? I am speaking in terms of self reflection as a husband. I think for me when I look into the mirror to see what kind of man or father I am, I see myself staring back. However, when I look in the mirror to see what kind of husband I am, I see my wife staring back.

I see right away I am accountable to her. I think that is how it should be. We are one. But it can make it difficult to do some much needed self reflection. If I do some self reflection, I am afraid I will see that I have let her down or failed her in some way. And that is a hard reality to face. So what do I do? Too often I do nothing. Especially, when there is no conflict and things seem to be going smoothly. Why would I want to mess that up? If ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right?

The problem with doing nothing is that it makes me reactive rather than proactive. Often those reactions are negative. Being proactive helps me respond positively to my spouse when conflicts do arise. This is something that I am working on. I am by no means the perfect spouse, but here are a couple of small things that I try to do to be more proactive in my marriage. Maybe, they will help you do the same in yours.

1. Pray with your wife and pray for your wife. If you have children, pray with them and let them hear you praying for your wife.

2. Feed your spouse’s spirit. Be glad to see her when you get home from work. Let the first thing you say to her be something positive. Then build on that. Say two positive things to her before making a negative comment. Then 3 things...etc.

3. Think of one personal thing that you would like to change about yourself when it comes to your marriage. It could be helping your wife do a task, speaking to her more kindly, or setting time aside (even a few minutes) each day to talk just to your wife. No kids. No interruptions. Whatever, it is. Just try to do that one thing.

Let's start there. Take a step or two to be proactive in your marriage. It could be the beginning of a new adventure for you and your wife.

I would love to hear from you: manvilleministries@gmail.com